Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Pigeon Obesity: An Ethnosocioeconomic Tragedy

By Bhumi Purohit and Rebecca Schaefer

Merely decades ago, these majestic winged creatures roamed the skies, loyally and arduously seeking out wounded homo sapiens in the horrendous times of World War I and World War II. When they weren’t receiving the Dicken Medal for their bravery and service to society, these noble mortals dedicated themselves to postal service. Today, however, they have been reduced to mere ‘rats of the sky’ and are resigned to an everlasting search to satiate their never-ending hunger.

“These pigeons are just barmy, mate. I’m minding my own business, roasting my nuts, but the bloody rockers swarm me and my nuts all day long,” said Alistair Milliband, expert peanut roaster who runs his cart business near Millennium Bridge. Milliband is referring to the gray rock pigeons, commonly and controversially known as rockers, for both their color and their supposed lack of intelligence.

Pigeon expert Yevgeni Missengre attributed the rockers’ percieved dim-wittedness to their social falling after World War II, when their class and status was deemed overly-noble by the more powerful white-headed pigeons. The whiteys – a commonly used name for the white-headed species in the scientific community – have often been called the ‘popular rats’ of the sky, an observation attributed to their dashing good looks and their twiggy nests atop high canopies.

“After World War II, whiteys demoralized rockers using slangs like ‘oom’ and ‘uk uuk,’ so much so that rockers were only allowed to serve society via eating,” said Missengre. “Once loyal, hard-working, and at the top of their game, today, the rockers only use those qualities to find anything and everything to put in their beaks.”

Mallard necrophilia expert Don Carrier, who is also well-versed on pigeons, recently found 89.72% of rockers to be “mortally obese.” Carrier said the current state of rockers is due to decades of prejudice.

“It’s an ethnosocioeconomic tragedy,” said Carrier. “Their story must be told.”

However, Bono Presley, leader of the gray rock pigeons, said his species is still strong and more dedicated than ever, regardless of the focus of their dedication.

“WHOO uuk oom uk,” Presley commented.

Photo: Pigeons take a brief break from hunting for sustenance.